65. Robert Southey to Thomas Southey [brother], [late October/early November –] 14 December [1793]*

Dear Tom. as I sat down to write a long letterIt struck me that scribbling in rhyme would be betterThat if with success I should fill up the sheetIt might serve to amuse a dull hour in the fleet.Soon thought — soon resolvd. I’ve a great deal to tellAnd the rhymes run away very easy & well.Oh I have a mine of poetical richesSnivels¹ cough — a young pig washd & Mr Bs breechesA wasps nest discoverd & taken & slainGipsey washd in the suds & the fleas on Bow Begum.² Myself turnd schoolmaster — but here is the tea comeSo I’ll fancy my tea like Apollo’s strange spring³ Gulp down a great cup full & then try to singWe thought my dear Thomas that poor little SnivelWas going with a tough cough post haste to the DevilBut say you, who is Snivel? why Snivel dear ThomasIs a beautiful elegant terrier of promiseOn whom Nature has all her best bounties bestowdAnd I am just going to write a fine ode

Alas poor SNIVEL The cough she had Was very badAnd made her hang her head & droop & drivel.And then we met in consultation graveTo think what might poor Snivel save.

We metA very very very mournful setPoor Snivel! with a sigh I said.Poor Snivel! echoed Grosvenor & he sighd.Poor Snivel! Horace criedPoor Snivel! Mr Bedford shook his head.And Robert⁴ said as grief did him bewitchPoor dog — poor beast — poor Snivel & poor bitch

Tis a sad cough say I. Tis no cough Robert says.This cough says Horace soon will make her die And Grosvenor said it soon would end her days.

Sir, (Robert said) be my opinion knownIn Snivels throat there is a boneAnd could she this throw offShe never more would cough

Then Robert cut a stick with a great crookAnd poked down Snivels throat to look Look there — look there — I see the bone I do declare. Down the poor beasts red lane We look, but look in vain.

Dear Tom you know Mr Parsley.⁵ Imagine for the simile’s sake An Ass had the tooth ache And every thing prepard The ass was led into Doctor Parsleys yard.Think you quite quiet would the Ass lay? Seated in the great chairDo you think he would not make a riotBut sit as quiet As Shad sat there? I dare say The Ass would kick & brayThus to the Doctor most uncivilKickd barkd bit howld the impatient patient Snivel.

And so Robert at last let goAnd Snivel was so bad that once we thoughtTwas best to have her shot.

Then was there lamentation heard at BrixtonSince Death we thought the bitch had fixt onAnd so again we met to savePoor Snivel from the grave!

Some James’s powders⁶ mixd in butter Poor Snivel took to make her squtter. And this to follow up We gave a dose of jollup Then as you well may think Ensued a dismal stink.

The cough survivd this trick And Snivel dislikd physic

So once again each sad Physician All sad & sighing That the poor beast was dyingMet to consult upon her sad conditionAnd we agreed the Patient was so illThat her disorder baffled human skill

And so We let poor Snivel go And then — miraculous to tellWhen the Doctors gave her up — the beast got well!

Misfortunes Thomas never come alone As in my letter shall be shown. And when you see come The sorrows of Bow BegumAnd hear how Hyder⁷ tore his masters breechesThen you will think indeed that Fate each dog bewitches.

When Gipsey⁸ jumpd for joy mast high To see her daughter get well Then Mr Bedfords careful eye Saw that Bow Begum was not well And soon he sees An hundred thousand million fleasDeprived the poor unhappy beast of ease.

Again to counsel we comeTo think of something to relieve Bow Begum.

First Mr Bedford cameThen Grosvenor grave physician stalkd along And Horace next of grave doctorial fameAnd I too joind the throngAnd then by schemes like theseWe counselld what was best to kill the fleas

Whether with poking head Intent to pick them outOr wash with melting lead The fleaing routTo boil the bitch or else to shave herAnd then in good strong suds to lave her

One plan at last we fixt upon the whichWas to call in the Barber to the Bitch

The Barber comes & nowFirst with his scissars does he shear the BowAnd now he has herHe takes his razorA strong soap lather made heWith whichWhilst Robert held the BitchMost barbarously he shaved the Lady.

As when — the skies the <grew> darkAnd (like a maggot in a nut-shell)Old Noah in his arkWith sons wife daughters birds & beasts was put wellA dreadful trim inMen & WomenAnd children began swimmingHorses & cows then tried to floatEach pig cut his own throatBut trying to escape was then no goodFor every one was drownd in this sad flood

Such ills as theseA deluge quite as unexpectedBy Robert & the Barbers hand directed Rushd on the fleas. Then in this trim Each flea tried to swim. But ah! but oh! It would not doFor tho to swim in water they might hope As you dear Tom or I can doYet when they came to try in soap The lather stopt them. it is very trueFor my dear Brother really I thinkThat you in soapsuds would most surely sink.

Then Bow Begum was scrubbd And then she was rubbd And in a towel wrapt to dryBow Begum thus compleated was laid by.

And now (thus Grosvenor said) I have a charming project in my headSince we’ve begun to wash why not go thro?

Tis an odd rig Yet — why not wash the pig?Since the same suds will excellently do.

Soon thought & soon resolvd. but yet Remaind one mighty jobThe little pig to get Before we well could put him in the tub. But pig ran hard About the yardHad you been there you would have laughd to seeHow fast the pig ran round — & here close followd we.

Fast ran the pig but faster We followd little masterThen did he kick growl grunt & squaul And never in my life did I Hear such a sad outcry.But yet in vain was all. For Pig was caught Spite of his dreadful din On to the washing tub was brought And there thrown in. Sure such a sight was never seen A Pig quite clean!

Thus Thomas youve seen each disaster so evilThat befell to Bow Begum & poor little SnivelBut these scenes my brother must shortly be overAnd I must return to see Phillis & Rover⁹ But of this homeward journey we’ll now lay aside stirAnd give you the story of breeches-break Hyder.

The evening drew nigh And bedarkend the plainMr Bedford would try To let loose Hyders chain.

So when Hercules strove Pluto’s mastiff¹⁰ to bindAnd drag him above — He would stay behind.

He tost & he tore His rage mixing cries inAnd then with a roar Belchd a gallon of poison

But whats very strange Tho exceedingly trueTo loose Hyders chains Made this dreadful ado

For Robert no more To unchain him could dare,His breeches before Having met with a tear

And Cooling¹¹ too dreads This beast most unkindWho had bit all to shreds His breeches behind.

For me I thought best Since the beast was so rumTother side of the gate To take care of my b-m.

Safe & snug there I staid And of course without fear.When by no means afraid Mr Bedford drew near.

He let loose the chain ‘Good dog Hyder come’Eer he spake it again Hyder leapt at his bum.

To tear it he meant But the beast was mistakenMr B aside bent And so saved his bacon.But oh of all vexations worst vexationThro the torn breeches hung the flag of abomination

No longer at Brixton such sports wear awayIn innocent folly an hour of the dayAt Bristol I write to conclude this so longThis tiresome ridiculous whimsical song.

Far away lie our lots in the voyage of [MS torn]As under thus borne on the ocean of strife.Yet remember each peril & wintry hour pastOur voyage must end in the same port at lastWhat tho the winds whistle — clouds mantle the skyThe deep thunders roll & the billows beat highAnon the rough rage of the tempest shall ceaseThe sun shine again & the sea sink to peace

——————

My dear Thomas there is nonsense enough for one letter & I can only say that if it amuses you you shall have more & better — at least more serious. the length of this may apologize for the lateness — in fact it was begun immediately upon the receipt of yours.

Shad desires to be rememberd to you. I write this at the table with him. he is recovering apace from a violent cold — for me you know nought is never in danger — we are all well.

should you see Madge¹² again remember me kindly to him — he was one of my earliest friends & long as we have been estranged I still feel a great regard for him.

I send this to Bath that my Mother may say what she pleases

yours most affectionatelyRobt Southey.

I shall remain here till January.

Dec 14. My mother has kept this letter six weeks. this evening we received your letter. you shall have some money very sent. send your direction for the shirts & the money shall come with them. I am over here for a few days. we are all talking about you Miss Monk¹³ & Miss E Fricker & me & Mamma. & Mr Daguilar¹⁴ has been just here & my pen is very bad & I want you to mend it send your direction & you shall have all the money can be sent

your affectionate brother

R Southey.

how much prize money?

ha ha ha